More Concerned With Being Ominous
America has been experiencing both elation and a new surge of racism after Barack Obama was announced president-elect last night. But does Russia care? Hell no. They have more important things to do than worry about some little election in a country that is sort of in their backyard if you count Alaska.
So it is with little surprise that Russia celebrates the election of Obama by hinting that they're going to be firing some missiles into the Baltic so America stops running it's mouth about how the economy has stopped their bid to go to war with everyone. When Russian president Dmitri Medvedev was questioned on his feelings about the new administration, he said in his best forbidding and ominous voice that he hoped:
“Our partners — the new U.S. administration — will make a choice in favor of a full-fledged relationship with Russia.”
He then went on to add, "The choice is that they submit to Russian rule, or be destroyed. And buy more vodka, because the funding for this operation needs to come from somewhere!"
I knew a little thing like a gaping vortex of an economic downfall could not stop Russia from promoting violence.
Source
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Monday, October 6, 2008
Iran Writes The EU A Love Letter
Doesn't Actually Profess Love
Iran, to secure their reputation of being extremely shifty, is delivering a letter to EU foreign policy chief Javier Solana today, reflecting Iran's views on their nuclear program and how it ought to be handled by the six powers of the world, also known as America. Iran has long been denying that they're making bombs, claims made while they're twirling their beards with an evil gleam in their eye, standing in front of large nuclear bombs. This has been leading the EU to wonder, "Are those bombs? Maybe? I can't tell, I'm distracted by the beards." A sentiment, I think, the entire world shares.
Iran's letter is shrouded in secret until someone actually reads it, but it pretty much goes like this:
Dear World,
We are totally not making bombs with our nuclear technology. We don't do that shit. We are all about equality between men and women, a free government, separation of church and state and things that aren't bombs. See? We're just like you. Now keep your goddamned Westernized infidel noses out of our business, we have bombs to make.
Love,
Iran
Source
Iran, to secure their reputation of being extremely shifty, is delivering a letter to EU foreign policy chief Javier Solana today, reflecting Iran's views on their nuclear program and how it ought to be handled by the six powers of the world, also known as America. Iran has long been denying that they're making bombs, claims made while they're twirling their beards with an evil gleam in their eye, standing in front of large nuclear bombs. This has been leading the EU to wonder, "Are those bombs? Maybe? I can't tell, I'm distracted by the beards." A sentiment, I think, the entire world shares.
Iran's letter is shrouded in secret until someone actually reads it, but it pretty much goes like this:
Dear World,
We are totally not making bombs with our nuclear technology. We don't do that shit. We are all about equality between men and women, a free government, separation of church and state and things that aren't bombs. See? We're just like you. Now keep your goddamned Westernized infidel noses out of our business, we have bombs to make.
Love,
Iran
Source
Russia Opposes Progress
By Progress I Mean War
What the hell, Russia? I had all this faith in you, you went around blowing up Georgians for being uppity, and now you're dismantling your checkpoints ahead of time and pulling out of the country you're supposed to be invading. You will never take over the world at this rate.
Not only that, but you allowed this deal to be brokered by France? That's your problem right there, listening to the French. They had it right for about ten seconds when Napoleon was around, but they really haven't contributed anything else to the war effort, and that makes them subhuman, maybe also women.
I know economic times are hard, Russia, but that never stopped Germany. Steal all of Georgia's weapons and get your head back in the game, I'm tired of all this whining and slacking.
Source
What the hell, Russia? I had all this faith in you, you went around blowing up Georgians for being uppity, and now you're dismantling your checkpoints ahead of time and pulling out of the country you're supposed to be invading. You will never take over the world at this rate.
Not only that, but you allowed this deal to be brokered by France? That's your problem right there, listening to the French. They had it right for about ten seconds when Napoleon was around, but they really haven't contributed anything else to the war effort, and that makes them subhuman, maybe also women.
I know economic times are hard, Russia, but that never stopped Germany. Steal all of Georgia's weapons and get your head back in the game, I'm tired of all this whining and slacking.
Source
Friday, October 3, 2008
North Korea Definitely Wants Us Dead
Envoy Declines Comment, Insinuates We're Fucked
We sent an envoy to try and dissuade North Korea from restarting its nuclear weapons program. While talks have been going on for centuries (little known fact: Jesus converted his followers by threatening them with the atom bomb), North Korea has only recently made it known that they don't give a fuck what we think, and actually, yeah, they do want to be terrorists. On one hand, I support their decision, because terrorism generally means having full rein to kick the shit out of any country that pisses you off, but on the other hand, fuck them, they are North Korea and we will ruin them.
The envoy returned to America with protestations of not wanting to talk about what transpired, but he did say it was not very favorable.
We sent an envoy to try and dissuade North Korea from restarting its nuclear weapons program. While talks have been going on for centuries (little known fact: Jesus converted his followers by threatening them with the atom bomb), North Korea has only recently made it known that they don't give a fuck what we think, and actually, yeah, they do want to be terrorists. On one hand, I support their decision, because terrorism generally means having full rein to kick the shit out of any country that pisses you off, but on the other hand, fuck them, they are North Korea and we will ruin them.
The envoy returned to America with protestations of not wanting to talk about what transpired, but he did say it was not very favorable.
"“I don’t want to say I am satisfied. I just tell you that they were lengthy, they were really detailed and very substantive,” Mr. Hill told reporters. He said his talks focused on the “issue of the verification protocol,” but added, ‘I don’t want to talk about progress.”"
Allow me to translate: "They told me to go fuck myself. Then they said for me to go fuck my mother, and that they didn't care what the US thought because their Dear Leader is sick and they are throwing their chips all in before he dies. Then they beat me."
At least, I am hoping that's what happened. I don't know how many more reasons we need to start bombing North Korea off the face of the world. Think about it, America. A nice little American colony right in the middle of Asia. You can enjoy the cheap hookers of Thailand and the strawberry-scented toilets of Japan at the drop of a hat while living in the protectorate state of Americorea. Maybe you'll get a little radiation poisoning but mutants are awesome, so it's all good. It's them or us, anyway, and who do you think the first casualties will be if North Korea takes over? The dogs. Go to war for your pets before they become tomorrow's dinner.
Source
At least, I am hoping that's what happened. I don't know how many more reasons we need to start bombing North Korea off the face of the world. Think about it, America. A nice little American colony right in the middle of Asia. You can enjoy the cheap hookers of Thailand and the strawberry-scented toilets of Japan at the drop of a hat while living in the protectorate state of Americorea. Maybe you'll get a little radiation poisoning but mutants are awesome, so it's all good. It's them or us, anyway, and who do you think the first casualties will be if North Korea takes over? The dogs. Go to war for your pets before they become tomorrow's dinner.
Source
Success! Pakistan At War
Pakistan vs Taliban: Round 1
Finally, someone got the hint that peacetime is for girls. Pakistan, after having their shit ruined and their face blackened by terrorist attacks (they got the Marriott!), has finally manned up and decided to lay the smackdown on the Taliban.
I want to be more enthusiastic about this, but the idiot new president of Pakistan has declared before the UN that this fight is Pakistan's alone, and not, in fact, America's to fight. I disagree on the grounds that every fight is America's. Don't be hoarding this shit, Pakistan, war should be for everyone, just like peace. Think about it. We're already in the Middle East, we have big guns and missiles, and you want us to just sit on this stuff? Share the damn wealth. Actually, why am I even thinking that we'd ask? Like Pakistan knows what's best for Pakistan. We know what's best for Pakistan: lots of killing things.
Source
Finally, someone got the hint that peacetime is for girls. Pakistan, after having their shit ruined and their face blackened by terrorist attacks (they got the Marriott!), has finally manned up and decided to lay the smackdown on the Taliban.
I want to be more enthusiastic about this, but the idiot new president of Pakistan has declared before the UN that this fight is Pakistan's alone, and not, in fact, America's to fight. I disagree on the grounds that every fight is America's. Don't be hoarding this shit, Pakistan, war should be for everyone, just like peace. Think about it. We're already in the Middle East, we have big guns and missiles, and you want us to just sit on this stuff? Share the damn wealth. Actually, why am I even thinking that we'd ask? Like Pakistan knows what's best for Pakistan. We know what's best for Pakistan: lots of killing things.
Source
Thursday, October 2, 2008
Movie Review: The Duchess
The Duchess Sells Her Soul For Financial Security
There was not much shooting or dying in this movie, so I got a little bored. But there were beatings and rape aplenty for women who spoke out of turn, making it almost worthwhile to watch. Ralph Fiennes, known best (by me, anyway) for being an egotistical Jew-hater in Schindler's List, once again embraces general hatred, only this time directed toward women, politicians, life, and pretty much everything, making him by far the best part of the movie.
Other than Ralph Fiennes, the movie serves as a bland reminder that nothing has changed since 1774, in that people are still trapped in loveless marriages, men are philanderers, women are whores and still get drunk and set their hair on fire. Illegitimate children abound, and your best friend is sleeping with your husband. The only difference was back then, marrying for money wasn't frowned upon, it was the standard. If it weren't for the poofy dresses and crazy wigs, I would have thought I was watching a documentary of the Average American.
There was not much shooting or dying in this movie, so I got a little bored. But there were beatings and rape aplenty for women who spoke out of turn, making it almost worthwhile to watch. Ralph Fiennes, known best (by me, anyway) for being an egotistical Jew-hater in Schindler's List, once again embraces general hatred, only this time directed toward women, politicians, life, and pretty much everything, making him by far the best part of the movie.
Other than Ralph Fiennes, the movie serves as a bland reminder that nothing has changed since 1774, in that people are still trapped in loveless marriages, men are philanderers, women are whores and still get drunk and set their hair on fire. Illegitimate children abound, and your best friend is sleeping with your husband. The only difference was back then, marrying for money wasn't frowned upon, it was the standard. If it weren't for the poofy dresses and crazy wigs, I would have thought I was watching a documentary of the Average American.
Pirates Attack, Forget to Contact Johnny Depp
Somalis Perilously Close to Being Badass
Somali pirates got more than they bargained for when they hijacked a Ukrainian freighter laden with lots of arms, and to their misfortune, Russians.
On Sept. 25, they demanded $35 million, but now they are down to $5 million.
Somali pirates got more than they bargained for when they hijacked a Ukrainian freighter laden with lots of arms, and to their misfortune, Russians.
On Sept. 25, they demanded $35 million, but now they are down to $5 million.
"“It’s down to $5 million,” said Andrew Mwangura, program coordinator for the Seafarers’ Assistance Program in Kenya, which tracks pirate attacks and communicates with the families of crew members. “But this needs to be done quickly. The longer that ship stays in Somalia, the more people who are going to get involved and the greedier they’re going to get.”"
I'm not sure how this man came to the conclusion that lowering the price somehow equates to becoming greedier, but the problem has manifested into a standoff, with American ships not wanting to sacrifice the captive Ukrainians and Russians, for some unknown reason. The smart idea would be to use our own navy, blast the hell out of the Somalis and take the Ukrainian arms for ransom ourselves, then extort Russia for exorbitant sums to pay off our own national debt. Instead, we are waiting patiently by as Russian ships head toward the standoff, with no one knowing what sort of orders Putin has given his navy.
I will give everyone a hint: he told them to blast the hell out of the pirates and recover the arms. And if he didn't, he should have. Nothing would be more satisfying than a showdown between America, Russia, and pirates, especially if the Ukrainian ship is carrying sabers and the showdown of guns and missiles turned into a showdown of swashbuckling.
Source
I will give everyone a hint: he told them to blast the hell out of the pirates and recover the arms. And if he didn't, he should have. Nothing would be more satisfying than a showdown between America, Russia, and pirates, especially if the Ukrainian ship is carrying sabers and the showdown of guns and missiles turned into a showdown of swashbuckling.
Source
People Still Dying in Iraq
Sunni Ramadan: Less Praying, More Bombing
If anyone had any doubts that peace in Iraq had been achieved, they can rest easy knowing what anyone with a little history of the Middle East knows, which is that there will never be peace as long as infidels live. Unfortunately, the recent bombings have left a large population of hippies decrying these events as more evidence that America needs to leave Iraq, rather than seeing it for what it is: a perfect opportunity to kill more people in the name of freedom.
Sunni suicide bombers left 20 Shiites dead in Iraq by infiltrating mosques and killing those who were at prayer. They attacked in a largely anti-American area, a sentiment made clear when civilians in the crowds suggested to reporters that the attacks were not Iraqi-fueled, but a clever attempt by Americans to sew more hatred among the people. As sentiments go, this one can be categorized as absolutely ridiculous, because Iraqis do not require American assistance to sew resentment and distrust. But if we are behind the attack, then we deserve a pat on the back. Just when I was losing hope and thinking we would abandon the effort to crush the spirit of the Iraqis under our star-spangled iron fist, they prove so violent they cannot even wait until we leave to reignite the killing fires.
Last Sunday, 27 more civilians were killed, with 84 injured, doing some Ramadan shopping. That was 84 failures, if you ask me. I think the government should go with my plan to achieve peace in the Middle East, and stop pussyfooting around the issue. The plan involves purging the land of all Middle Easterners and setting up little colonies that will accept our sovereignty and our ability to heavily tax them at our whim. Bonus points if we kill the natives by bringing them new diseases. I think I read about that happening once but I don't remember the ending. I'm sure it all worked out in the best interests of the world.
Source
If anyone had any doubts that peace in Iraq had been achieved, they can rest easy knowing what anyone with a little history of the Middle East knows, which is that there will never be peace as long as infidels live. Unfortunately, the recent bombings have left a large population of hippies decrying these events as more evidence that America needs to leave Iraq, rather than seeing it for what it is: a perfect opportunity to kill more people in the name of freedom.
Sunni suicide bombers left 20 Shiites dead in Iraq by infiltrating mosques and killing those who were at prayer. They attacked in a largely anti-American area, a sentiment made clear when civilians in the crowds suggested to reporters that the attacks were not Iraqi-fueled, but a clever attempt by Americans to sew more hatred among the people. As sentiments go, this one can be categorized as absolutely ridiculous, because Iraqis do not require American assistance to sew resentment and distrust. But if we are behind the attack, then we deserve a pat on the back. Just when I was losing hope and thinking we would abandon the effort to crush the spirit of the Iraqis under our star-spangled iron fist, they prove so violent they cannot even wait until we leave to reignite the killing fires.
Last Sunday, 27 more civilians were killed, with 84 injured, doing some Ramadan shopping. That was 84 failures, if you ask me. I think the government should go with my plan to achieve peace in the Middle East, and stop pussyfooting around the issue. The plan involves purging the land of all Middle Easterners and setting up little colonies that will accept our sovereignty and our ability to heavily tax them at our whim. Bonus points if we kill the natives by bringing them new diseases. I think I read about that happening once but I don't remember the ending. I'm sure it all worked out in the best interests of the world.
Source
Friday, September 26, 2008
Shock of the Century: Politicians Lie
Obama Forgets That He Is Holier-Than-Thou
In the biggest shocker of this presidential election, Obama has resorted to something no one thought him capable of: lying. College students nation-wide, when asked for comment, met the report with a blank look followed by a spluttering denial that had no substance or merit and was promptly ignored.
McCain's campaign had been previously denounced by the Obama camp and in the press for making outright lies about Obama recommending sex education for kindergartners. Obama himself acknowledged the dirty play, but as his campaign is upheld by the ideal of "a different kind of politics," his supporters like to deny he would ever respond to these attacks like a typical politician. However, anyone with half a brain is not surprised that Obama's campaign launched ads that posited McCain was against stem cell research and implied he only wanted tax breaks for oil companies, despite McCain being an advocate for federal funding for stem cell research and supporting tax breaks that would benefit all energy companies, including those that support wind and solar energy.
In short, Obama is acting like a politician. Commence the nation being shocked to its core.
Source
In the biggest shocker of this presidential election, Obama has resorted to something no one thought him capable of: lying. College students nation-wide, when asked for comment, met the report with a blank look followed by a spluttering denial that had no substance or merit and was promptly ignored.
McCain's campaign had been previously denounced by the Obama camp and in the press for making outright lies about Obama recommending sex education for kindergartners. Obama himself acknowledged the dirty play, but as his campaign is upheld by the ideal of "a different kind of politics," his supporters like to deny he would ever respond to these attacks like a typical politician. However, anyone with half a brain is not surprised that Obama's campaign launched ads that posited McCain was against stem cell research and implied he only wanted tax breaks for oil companies, despite McCain being an advocate for federal funding for stem cell research and supporting tax breaks that would benefit all energy companies, including those that support wind and solar energy.
In short, Obama is acting like a politician. Commence the nation being shocked to its core.
Source
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Russia <3 Venezuela
Putin Declares, "Chavez Is My Homeboy"
Russia has offered to help Venezuela with its own nuclear program, which along with North Korea and Iran means we're all right back to fearing the imminent dropping of the atom bomb somewhere. The good news is that the chance for mutations resulting in superpowers has just skyrocketed.
This is not a new development, since unbeknown to most, Russia and Venezuela have been courting each other for a while. The real news is what will happen to the Russians when they are exposed to the sunlight in the Caribbean for their Russo-Venezuelan military exercises? Do they burst into flames? Shrivel up? Become inexplicably sexy, causing countless Americans to question whether Russian rule would be so bad after all? No one knows. However, one thing is clear and that is Russia having a base so close to the US is obviously not a good idea.
The answer is easily solved, though. Assassinate Chavez and put a Mexican in his place for half the salary and twice the productivity, then commandeer those Russian vessels and reoutfit them as the next big thing in the Royal Caribbean cruise line.
Source
Russia has offered to help Venezuela with its own nuclear program, which along with North Korea and Iran means we're all right back to fearing the imminent dropping of the atom bomb somewhere. The good news is that the chance for mutations resulting in superpowers has just skyrocketed.
This is not a new development, since unbeknown to most, Russia and Venezuela have been courting each other for a while. The real news is what will happen to the Russians when they are exposed to the sunlight in the Caribbean for their Russo-Venezuelan military exercises? Do they burst into flames? Shrivel up? Become inexplicably sexy, causing countless Americans to question whether Russian rule would be so bad after all? No one knows. However, one thing is clear and that is Russia having a base so close to the US is obviously not a good idea.
The answer is easily solved, though. Assassinate Chavez and put a Mexican in his place for half the salary and twice the productivity, then commandeer those Russian vessels and reoutfit them as the next big thing in the Royal Caribbean cruise line.
Source
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
North Korea Wants to Be Bombed
North Korea Bars Inspection, I Hope For Violence
North Korea has barred any inspection of the plants which will facilitate the building of nuclear weaponry, further cluing in the world that either they're just as good at bullshitting as Iran, or they really want to go to war. Whichever it is, they are clearly stating one fact: they really want to be bombed.
Washington claimed the act was "very disappointing," which is the understatement of the century. This shit is ridiculous, and if we can invade Iraq for crimes against humanity, surely we can bomb North Korea off the map for being assholes. Do we even need a reason to go to war anymore? Come on, North Korea is making us look bad, Kim Jong-Il is probably laying up on his deathbed, and what has North Korea done for us lately? Now is the time to strike, while they're confused and haven't quite reinstated their nuclear programs. It's not like we have to get involved in a big long struggle like Iraq; just bomb them and leave. It's a solid plan. Everyone knows South Korea is the only part of Korea worth saving anyway.
Source
North Korea has barred any inspection of the plants which will facilitate the building of nuclear weaponry, further cluing in the world that either they're just as good at bullshitting as Iran, or they really want to go to war. Whichever it is, they are clearly stating one fact: they really want to be bombed.
Washington claimed the act was "very disappointing," which is the understatement of the century. This shit is ridiculous, and if we can invade Iraq for crimes against humanity, surely we can bomb North Korea off the map for being assholes. Do we even need a reason to go to war anymore? Come on, North Korea is making us look bad, Kim Jong-Il is probably laying up on his deathbed, and what has North Korea done for us lately? Now is the time to strike, while they're confused and haven't quite reinstated their nuclear programs. It's not like we have to get involved in a big long struggle like Iraq; just bomb them and leave. It's a solid plan. Everyone knows South Korea is the only part of Korea worth saving anyway.
Source
Friday, September 19, 2008
North Korea Gets Uppity
North Korea Says, "Fuck You, America"
Kim Jong-Il, Dear Leader of North Korea, suffered a stroke recently, but it seems like it is business as usual in the Far East as North Korea told America, "Fine, don't take us off your terrorist list. We actually want to be on it. You see this nuclear complex we dismantled? Yeah, that shit is back on line."
Either Kim Jong-Il is now crazy (like a fox) and throwing his weight around as much as he can before he kicks off, or the military is slowly taking over and making his decisions for him while he remains a vegetable. Either way, what is fully for certain is America is no longer the scary threat we once were. Russia, China, Iran, Venezuela, North Korea...pretty soon even Mexico is going to be talking back. We better get our economy back on track and stop fucking around in countries that are screwing us (just let Iran deal with Iraq, eh?) or soon we're going to be like that husband who beats his wife and then is shocked when she files for a divorce and A-bombs his car.
Source
Movie Review: Righteous Kill
Al Pacino and Robert de Niro do what they do best, namely be badasses. If you want to see a movie about two old guys acting like old badasses, then this is a good movie to see. If you want any sort of mystery or moral, don't bother, because it seems like everyone in the movie was messed up beyond belief. I did strongly identify with the girl who liked to get her ass kicked as a turn-on, but then she turned out to be a whiner when she actually got her ass kicked and didn't enjoy it. Hypocritical whore. The film is also disconcerting, not because of any message it sends but rather because it is a little difficult to decide whether it is reasonable to still find Pacino and De Niro attractive (my answer is yes). Overall, an entertaining if somewhat emotionally and mentally vacuous film.
Trailer
Kim Jong-Il, Dear Leader of North Korea, suffered a stroke recently, but it seems like it is business as usual in the Far East as North Korea told America, "Fine, don't take us off your terrorist list. We actually want to be on it. You see this nuclear complex we dismantled? Yeah, that shit is back on line."
Either Kim Jong-Il is now crazy (like a fox) and throwing his weight around as much as he can before he kicks off, or the military is slowly taking over and making his decisions for him while he remains a vegetable. Either way, what is fully for certain is America is no longer the scary threat we once were. Russia, China, Iran, Venezuela, North Korea...pretty soon even Mexico is going to be talking back. We better get our economy back on track and stop fucking around in countries that are screwing us (just let Iran deal with Iraq, eh?) or soon we're going to be like that husband who beats his wife and then is shocked when she files for a divorce and A-bombs his car.
Source
Movie Review: Righteous Kill
Al Pacino and Robert de Niro do what they do best, namely be badasses. If you want to see a movie about two old guys acting like old badasses, then this is a good movie to see. If you want any sort of mystery or moral, don't bother, because it seems like everyone in the movie was messed up beyond belief. I did strongly identify with the girl who liked to get her ass kicked as a turn-on, but then she turned out to be a whiner when she actually got her ass kicked and didn't enjoy it. Hypocritical whore. The film is also disconcerting, not because of any message it sends but rather because it is a little difficult to decide whether it is reasonable to still find Pacino and De Niro attractive (my answer is yes). Overall, an entertaining if somewhat emotionally and mentally vacuous film.
Trailer
Friday, September 12, 2008
Girl Talk and Universal Evil
Democrats Admit They Are Not Jesus Christ Born Again, Cede to Offshore Drilling
Today the Democrats resigned themselves to the fact that they are not God's gift to politics, and they too can fold under the selfish needs of the American consumer, by grudgingly supporting the need for offshore drilling. The average American doesn't care a whit about politics, the environment, or progress: they just want their goods to be cheap and easy to obtain. At $4 a gallon for gas, our liberties as American citizens have been threatened, namely the liberty to have cheap gas. Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, "who has a history of fighting oil drilling going back to the early days of her career in California," has conceded to the new energy plan. This just reaffirms my point that Washington is inherently evil, and there are no knights in shining armor (certain Democratic nominees come to mind) who will not go back on their word the minute they see that their base is angry.
Source
Venezuelan President: "Shithead Yankees, go to hell!"
Vying for Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin's spot as the most likely to piss off foreign dignitaries, Hugo Chavez ejected the American ambassador from Venezuela, giving him 72 hours to get out. The animosity felt by Venezuela toward America has been rather unsettling for some time, given the oil-producing country's penchant for buying arms from Russia and the geniality Putin and Chavez bear toward one another. If only we had money enough to stir up more civil war with our friends to the south, we could rest easier. Unfortunately, we need their oil (of course!) and so we pretend like Venezuela isn't even a country. Who the hell goes to South America anyway?
Source
Girls Need to Shut Their Faces, Stop Annoying Me With Problems
In what is probably my favorite research study/news article to date, scientists have concluded that talking too much about your problems makes them worse. Studying girls who overtalk their problems ("But did he really mean that he loved me or was he just saying it to get me to sleep with him?" "Should I call him? I mean he said he didn't want to see me, but maybe he meant call him") has revealed that overthinking them causes anxiety and depression. No shit! I could have told you that without the expensive study. Chances are if you have problems inane enough to repeat to every girl you have ever met, the answer is simple too: kill yourself.
The study also showed that men, who don't bother with useless emotional conversations on a consistent basis (listening to their girlfriends doesn't count, because we know they tune out just to think about sex) display less anxiety and depression where their problems are concerned. This statement does not include the sudden influx of emo whiners who we all know are not people and therefore excluded from the study.
In the end, the study has supplied me with a handy method for weaseling my way out of listening to the neverending stream of problems that girls seem to have. I will just assert that complaining has been scientifically proven to turn you into a crazy ho. And nobody likes a crazy ho.
Source
Today the Democrats resigned themselves to the fact that they are not God's gift to politics, and they too can fold under the selfish needs of the American consumer, by grudgingly supporting the need for offshore drilling. The average American doesn't care a whit about politics, the environment, or progress: they just want their goods to be cheap and easy to obtain. At $4 a gallon for gas, our liberties as American citizens have been threatened, namely the liberty to have cheap gas. Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, "who has a history of fighting oil drilling going back to the early days of her career in California," has conceded to the new energy plan. This just reaffirms my point that Washington is inherently evil, and there are no knights in shining armor (certain Democratic nominees come to mind) who will not go back on their word the minute they see that their base is angry.
Source
Venezuelan President: "Shithead Yankees, go to hell!"
Vying for Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin's spot as the most likely to piss off foreign dignitaries, Hugo Chavez ejected the American ambassador from Venezuela, giving him 72 hours to get out. The animosity felt by Venezuela toward America has been rather unsettling for some time, given the oil-producing country's penchant for buying arms from Russia and the geniality Putin and Chavez bear toward one another. If only we had money enough to stir up more civil war with our friends to the south, we could rest easier. Unfortunately, we need their oil (of course!) and so we pretend like Venezuela isn't even a country. Who the hell goes to South America anyway?
Source
Girls Need to Shut Their Faces, Stop Annoying Me With Problems
In what is probably my favorite research study/news article to date, scientists have concluded that talking too much about your problems makes them worse. Studying girls who overtalk their problems ("But did he really mean that he loved me or was he just saying it to get me to sleep with him?" "Should I call him? I mean he said he didn't want to see me, but maybe he meant call him") has revealed that overthinking them causes anxiety and depression. No shit! I could have told you that without the expensive study. Chances are if you have problems inane enough to repeat to every girl you have ever met, the answer is simple too: kill yourself.
The study also showed that men, who don't bother with useless emotional conversations on a consistent basis (listening to their girlfriends doesn't count, because we know they tune out just to think about sex) display less anxiety and depression where their problems are concerned. This statement does not include the sudden influx of emo whiners who we all know are not people and therefore excluded from the study.
In the end, the study has supplied me with a handy method for weaseling my way out of listening to the neverending stream of problems that girls seem to have. I will just assert that complaining has been scientifically proven to turn you into a crazy ho. And nobody likes a crazy ho.
Source
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