Girl Talk and Universal Evil

Democrats Admit They Are Not Jesus Christ Born Again, Cede to Offshore Drilling

Today the Democrats resigned themselves to the fact that they are not God's gift to politics, and they too can fold under the selfish needs of the American consumer, by grudgingly supporting the need for offshore drilling. The average American doesn't care a whit about politics, the environment, or progress: they just want their goods to be cheap and easy to obtain. At $4 a gallon for gas, our liberties as American citizens have been threatened, namely the liberty to have cheap gas. Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, "who has a history of fighting oil drilling going back to the early days of her career in California," has conceded to the new energy plan. This just reaffirms my point that Washington is inherently evil, and there are no knights in shining armor (certain Democratic nominees come to mind) who will not go back on their word the minute they see that their base is angry.

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Venezuelan President: "Shithead Yankees, go to hell!"

Vying for Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin's spot as the most likely to piss off foreign dignitaries, Hugo Chavez ejected the American ambassador from Venezuela, giving him 72 hours to get out. The animosity felt by Venezuela toward America has been rather unsettling for some time, given the oil-producing country's penchant for buying arms from Russia and the geniality Putin and Chavez bear toward one another. If only we had money enough to stir up more civil war with our friends to the south, we could rest easier. Unfortunately, we need their oil (of course!) and so we pretend like Venezuela isn't even a country. Who the hell goes to South America anyway?

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Girls Need to Shut Their Faces, Stop Annoying Me With Problems

In what is probably my favorite research study/news article to date, scientists have concluded that talking too much about your problems makes them worse. Studying girls who overtalk their problems ("But did he really mean that he loved me or was he just saying it to get me to sleep with him?" "Should I call him? I mean he said he didn't want to see me, but maybe he meant call him") has revealed that overthinking them causes anxiety and depression. No shit! I could have told you that without the expensive study. Chances are if you have problems inane enough to repeat to every girl you have ever met, the answer is simple too: kill yourself.

The study also showed that men, who don't bother with useless emotional conversations on a consistent basis (listening to their girlfriends doesn't count, because we know they tune out just to think about sex) display less anxiety and depression where their problems are concerned. This statement does not include the sudden influx of emo whiners who we all know are not people and therefore excluded from the study.

In the end, the study has supplied me with a handy method for weaseling my way out of listening to the neverending stream of problems that girls seem to have. I will just assert that complaining has been scientifically proven to turn you into a crazy ho. And nobody likes a crazy ho.

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