Pirates Attack, Forget to Contact Johnny Depp

Somalis Perilously Close to Being Badass

Somali pirates got more than they bargained for when they hijacked a Ukrainian freighter laden with lots of arms, and to their misfortune, Russians.

On Sept. 25, they demanded $35 million, but now they are down to $5 million.

"“It’s down to $5 million,” said Andrew Mwangura, program coordinator for the Seafarers’ Assistance Program in Kenya, which tracks pirate attacks and communicates with the families of crew members. “But this needs to be done quickly. The longer that ship stays in Somalia, the more people who are going to get involved and the greedier they’re going to get.”"

I'm not sure how this man came to the conclusion that lowering the price somehow equates to becoming greedier, but the problem has manifested into a standoff, with American ships not wanting to sacrifice the captive Ukrainians and Russians, for some unknown reason. The smart idea would be to use our own navy, blast the hell out of the Somalis and take the Ukrainian arms for ransom ourselves, then extort Russia for exorbitant sums to pay off our own national debt. Instead, we are waiting patiently by as Russian ships head toward the standoff, with no one knowing what sort of orders Putin has given his navy.

I will give everyone a hint: he told them to blast the hell out of the pirates and recover the arms. And if he didn't, he should have. Nothing would be more satisfying than a showdown between America, Russia, and pirates, especially if the Ukrainian ship is carrying sabers and the showdown of guns and missiles turned into a showdown of swashbuckling.

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