Doesn't Actually Profess Love
Iran, to secure their reputation of being extremely shifty, is delivering a letter to EU foreign policy chief Javier Solana today, reflecting Iran's views on their nuclear program and how it ought to be handled by the six powers of the world, also known as America. Iran has long been denying that they're making bombs, claims made while they're twirling their beards with an evil gleam in their eye, standing in front of large nuclear bombs. This has been leading the EU to wonder, "Are those bombs? Maybe? I can't tell, I'm distracted by the beards." A sentiment, I think, the entire world shares.
Iran's letter is shrouded in secret until someone actually reads it, but it pretty much goes like this:
Dear World,
We are totally not making bombs with our nuclear technology. We don't do that shit. We are all about equality between men and women, a free government, separation of church and state and things that aren't bombs. See? We're just like you. Now keep your goddamned Westernized infidel noses out of our business, we have bombs to make.
Love,
Iran
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Monday, October 6, 2008
Russia Opposes Progress
By Progress I Mean War
What the hell, Russia? I had all this faith in you, you went around blowing up Georgians for being uppity, and now you're dismantling your checkpoints ahead of time and pulling out of the country you're supposed to be invading. You will never take over the world at this rate.
Not only that, but you allowed this deal to be brokered by France? That's your problem right there, listening to the French. They had it right for about ten seconds when Napoleon was around, but they really haven't contributed anything else to the war effort, and that makes them subhuman, maybe also women.
I know economic times are hard, Russia, but that never stopped Germany. Steal all of Georgia's weapons and get your head back in the game, I'm tired of all this whining and slacking.
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What the hell, Russia? I had all this faith in you, you went around blowing up Georgians for being uppity, and now you're dismantling your checkpoints ahead of time and pulling out of the country you're supposed to be invading. You will never take over the world at this rate.
Not only that, but you allowed this deal to be brokered by France? That's your problem right there, listening to the French. They had it right for about ten seconds when Napoleon was around, but they really haven't contributed anything else to the war effort, and that makes them subhuman, maybe also women.
I know economic times are hard, Russia, but that never stopped Germany. Steal all of Georgia's weapons and get your head back in the game, I'm tired of all this whining and slacking.
Source
Friday, October 3, 2008
North Korea Definitely Wants Us Dead
Envoy Declines Comment, Insinuates We're Fucked
We sent an envoy to try and dissuade North Korea from restarting its nuclear weapons program. While talks have been going on for centuries (little known fact: Jesus converted his followers by threatening them with the atom bomb), North Korea has only recently made it known that they don't give a fuck what we think, and actually, yeah, they do want to be terrorists. On one hand, I support their decision, because terrorism generally means having full rein to kick the shit out of any country that pisses you off, but on the other hand, fuck them, they are North Korea and we will ruin them.
The envoy returned to America with protestations of not wanting to talk about what transpired, but he did say it was not very favorable.
We sent an envoy to try and dissuade North Korea from restarting its nuclear weapons program. While talks have been going on for centuries (little known fact: Jesus converted his followers by threatening them with the atom bomb), North Korea has only recently made it known that they don't give a fuck what we think, and actually, yeah, they do want to be terrorists. On one hand, I support their decision, because terrorism generally means having full rein to kick the shit out of any country that pisses you off, but on the other hand, fuck them, they are North Korea and we will ruin them.
The envoy returned to America with protestations of not wanting to talk about what transpired, but he did say it was not very favorable.
"“I don’t want to say I am satisfied. I just tell you that they were lengthy, they were really detailed and very substantive,” Mr. Hill told reporters. He said his talks focused on the “issue of the verification protocol,” but added, ‘I don’t want to talk about progress.”"
Allow me to translate: "They told me to go fuck myself. Then they said for me to go fuck my mother, and that they didn't care what the US thought because their Dear Leader is sick and they are throwing their chips all in before he dies. Then they beat me."
At least, I am hoping that's what happened. I don't know how many more reasons we need to start bombing North Korea off the face of the world. Think about it, America. A nice little American colony right in the middle of Asia. You can enjoy the cheap hookers of Thailand and the strawberry-scented toilets of Japan at the drop of a hat while living in the protectorate state of Americorea. Maybe you'll get a little radiation poisoning but mutants are awesome, so it's all good. It's them or us, anyway, and who do you think the first casualties will be if North Korea takes over? The dogs. Go to war for your pets before they become tomorrow's dinner.
Source
At least, I am hoping that's what happened. I don't know how many more reasons we need to start bombing North Korea off the face of the world. Think about it, America. A nice little American colony right in the middle of Asia. You can enjoy the cheap hookers of Thailand and the strawberry-scented toilets of Japan at the drop of a hat while living in the protectorate state of Americorea. Maybe you'll get a little radiation poisoning but mutants are awesome, so it's all good. It's them or us, anyway, and who do you think the first casualties will be if North Korea takes over? The dogs. Go to war for your pets before they become tomorrow's dinner.
Source
Success! Pakistan At War
Pakistan vs Taliban: Round 1
Finally, someone got the hint that peacetime is for girls. Pakistan, after having their shit ruined and their face blackened by terrorist attacks (they got the Marriott!), has finally manned up and decided to lay the smackdown on the Taliban.
I want to be more enthusiastic about this, but the idiot new president of Pakistan has declared before the UN that this fight is Pakistan's alone, and not, in fact, America's to fight. I disagree on the grounds that every fight is America's. Don't be hoarding this shit, Pakistan, war should be for everyone, just like peace. Think about it. We're already in the Middle East, we have big guns and missiles, and you want us to just sit on this stuff? Share the damn wealth. Actually, why am I even thinking that we'd ask? Like Pakistan knows what's best for Pakistan. We know what's best for Pakistan: lots of killing things.
Source
Finally, someone got the hint that peacetime is for girls. Pakistan, after having their shit ruined and their face blackened by terrorist attacks (they got the Marriott!), has finally manned up and decided to lay the smackdown on the Taliban.
I want to be more enthusiastic about this, but the idiot new president of Pakistan has declared before the UN that this fight is Pakistan's alone, and not, in fact, America's to fight. I disagree on the grounds that every fight is America's. Don't be hoarding this shit, Pakistan, war should be for everyone, just like peace. Think about it. We're already in the Middle East, we have big guns and missiles, and you want us to just sit on this stuff? Share the damn wealth. Actually, why am I even thinking that we'd ask? Like Pakistan knows what's best for Pakistan. We know what's best for Pakistan: lots of killing things.
Source
Thursday, October 2, 2008
Movie Review: The Duchess
The Duchess Sells Her Soul For Financial Security
There was not much shooting or dying in this movie, so I got a little bored. But there were beatings and rape aplenty for women who spoke out of turn, making it almost worthwhile to watch. Ralph Fiennes, known best (by me, anyway) for being an egotistical Jew-hater in Schindler's List, once again embraces general hatred, only this time directed toward women, politicians, life, and pretty much everything, making him by far the best part of the movie.
Other than Ralph Fiennes, the movie serves as a bland reminder that nothing has changed since 1774, in that people are still trapped in loveless marriages, men are philanderers, women are whores and still get drunk and set their hair on fire. Illegitimate children abound, and your best friend is sleeping with your husband. The only difference was back then, marrying for money wasn't frowned upon, it was the standard. If it weren't for the poofy dresses and crazy wigs, I would have thought I was watching a documentary of the Average American.
There was not much shooting or dying in this movie, so I got a little bored. But there were beatings and rape aplenty for women who spoke out of turn, making it almost worthwhile to watch. Ralph Fiennes, known best (by me, anyway) for being an egotistical Jew-hater in Schindler's List, once again embraces general hatred, only this time directed toward women, politicians, life, and pretty much everything, making him by far the best part of the movie.
Other than Ralph Fiennes, the movie serves as a bland reminder that nothing has changed since 1774, in that people are still trapped in loveless marriages, men are philanderers, women are whores and still get drunk and set their hair on fire. Illegitimate children abound, and your best friend is sleeping with your husband. The only difference was back then, marrying for money wasn't frowned upon, it was the standard. If it weren't for the poofy dresses and crazy wigs, I would have thought I was watching a documentary of the Average American.
Pirates Attack, Forget to Contact Johnny Depp
Somalis Perilously Close to Being Badass
Somali pirates got more than they bargained for when they hijacked a Ukrainian freighter laden with lots of arms, and to their misfortune, Russians.
On Sept. 25, they demanded $35 million, but now they are down to $5 million.
Somali pirates got more than they bargained for when they hijacked a Ukrainian freighter laden with lots of arms, and to their misfortune, Russians.
On Sept. 25, they demanded $35 million, but now they are down to $5 million.
"“It’s down to $5 million,” said Andrew Mwangura, program coordinator for the Seafarers’ Assistance Program in Kenya, which tracks pirate attacks and communicates with the families of crew members. “But this needs to be done quickly. The longer that ship stays in Somalia, the more people who are going to get involved and the greedier they’re going to get.”"
I'm not sure how this man came to the conclusion that lowering the price somehow equates to becoming greedier, but the problem has manifested into a standoff, with American ships not wanting to sacrifice the captive Ukrainians and Russians, for some unknown reason. The smart idea would be to use our own navy, blast the hell out of the Somalis and take the Ukrainian arms for ransom ourselves, then extort Russia for exorbitant sums to pay off our own national debt. Instead, we are waiting patiently by as Russian ships head toward the standoff, with no one knowing what sort of orders Putin has given his navy.
I will give everyone a hint: he told them to blast the hell out of the pirates and recover the arms. And if he didn't, he should have. Nothing would be more satisfying than a showdown between America, Russia, and pirates, especially if the Ukrainian ship is carrying sabers and the showdown of guns and missiles turned into a showdown of swashbuckling.
Source
I will give everyone a hint: he told them to blast the hell out of the pirates and recover the arms. And if he didn't, he should have. Nothing would be more satisfying than a showdown between America, Russia, and pirates, especially if the Ukrainian ship is carrying sabers and the showdown of guns and missiles turned into a showdown of swashbuckling.
Source
People Still Dying in Iraq
Sunni Ramadan: Less Praying, More Bombing
If anyone had any doubts that peace in Iraq had been achieved, they can rest easy knowing what anyone with a little history of the Middle East knows, which is that there will never be peace as long as infidels live. Unfortunately, the recent bombings have left a large population of hippies decrying these events as more evidence that America needs to leave Iraq, rather than seeing it for what it is: a perfect opportunity to kill more people in the name of freedom.
Sunni suicide bombers left 20 Shiites dead in Iraq by infiltrating mosques and killing those who were at prayer. They attacked in a largely anti-American area, a sentiment made clear when civilians in the crowds suggested to reporters that the attacks were not Iraqi-fueled, but a clever attempt by Americans to sew more hatred among the people. As sentiments go, this one can be categorized as absolutely ridiculous, because Iraqis do not require American assistance to sew resentment and distrust. But if we are behind the attack, then we deserve a pat on the back. Just when I was losing hope and thinking we would abandon the effort to crush the spirit of the Iraqis under our star-spangled iron fist, they prove so violent they cannot even wait until we leave to reignite the killing fires.
Last Sunday, 27 more civilians were killed, with 84 injured, doing some Ramadan shopping. That was 84 failures, if you ask me. I think the government should go with my plan to achieve peace in the Middle East, and stop pussyfooting around the issue. The plan involves purging the land of all Middle Easterners and setting up little colonies that will accept our sovereignty and our ability to heavily tax them at our whim. Bonus points if we kill the natives by bringing them new diseases. I think I read about that happening once but I don't remember the ending. I'm sure it all worked out in the best interests of the world.
Source
If anyone had any doubts that peace in Iraq had been achieved, they can rest easy knowing what anyone with a little history of the Middle East knows, which is that there will never be peace as long as infidels live. Unfortunately, the recent bombings have left a large population of hippies decrying these events as more evidence that America needs to leave Iraq, rather than seeing it for what it is: a perfect opportunity to kill more people in the name of freedom.
Sunni suicide bombers left 20 Shiites dead in Iraq by infiltrating mosques and killing those who were at prayer. They attacked in a largely anti-American area, a sentiment made clear when civilians in the crowds suggested to reporters that the attacks were not Iraqi-fueled, but a clever attempt by Americans to sew more hatred among the people. As sentiments go, this one can be categorized as absolutely ridiculous, because Iraqis do not require American assistance to sew resentment and distrust. But if we are behind the attack, then we deserve a pat on the back. Just when I was losing hope and thinking we would abandon the effort to crush the spirit of the Iraqis under our star-spangled iron fist, they prove so violent they cannot even wait until we leave to reignite the killing fires.
Last Sunday, 27 more civilians were killed, with 84 injured, doing some Ramadan shopping. That was 84 failures, if you ask me. I think the government should go with my plan to achieve peace in the Middle East, and stop pussyfooting around the issue. The plan involves purging the land of all Middle Easterners and setting up little colonies that will accept our sovereignty and our ability to heavily tax them at our whim. Bonus points if we kill the natives by bringing them new diseases. I think I read about that happening once but I don't remember the ending. I'm sure it all worked out in the best interests of the world.
Source
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